Signs that he will actually stop the abusive behavior

Can you believe him when he says he is serious about changing his behavior?

Abusive men make all kinds of promises about changing their abusive behavior but rarely do. Statistically, even the ones involved with Abuser Programs don’t change (estimated to be 2-3%).

ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS HONESTLY TO FIND OUT (YES OR NO)

Has he learned to treat your opinions with respect, even when they differ strongly from his?

Is he accepting your right to express anger to him, especially when it involves his history of mistreating you?

Is he respecting your right to freedom and independence? Including refraining from all interference with your friendships and giving up the demand to always know where you are and whom you are with?

Has he stopped making excuses for his treatment of you, including not using your behavior as an excuse for his?

Is he being respectful about sex, applying no pressure and engaging in no guilt trips?

Has he stopped cheating or flirting with other women, or using other behaviors (like addictions) that keep you anxious?

Does he listen to your side in arguments without interrupting, and then make a sincere effort to respond thoughtfully to your points, even if he doesn’t like them?

Have you been free to raise your grievances new or old, without retaliation from him?

Has he stopped talking about his abuse as if it where an accident and began to acknowledge that he used it to control you?

Is he actually responding to your grievances and doing something about them (for example, changing the way he behaves towards your children, friends or extended family)?

Has he greatly reduced or eliminated his use of controlling behaviors (such as sarcasm, rolling his eyes, loud disgusted sighs, passive aggressive behavior, manipulation, gaslighting, ignoring, projecting, talking over you, using the voice of ultimate authority, and other demonstrations of disrespect or superiority) during conversations and arguments?

When he does slip back into controlling behavior, does he take you seriously when you complain and keep working on improving?

Is he being consistent and responsible in his behavior, taking into account how his actions affect you without having to be constantly reminded?

Does he show greater respect for you in front of his friends and extended family?

Is he acting noticeably less demanding, selfish, and self centered? Has he started to appear genuinely kind to you and others?

Is he being fair and responsible about money, including allowing you to keep your own assets in your own name? Will he allow both of you to work on short term and long term budgets together and stick with it?

Has he stopped any behaviors that you find threatening or intimidating?

Has he significantly expanded his contribution to household and child-rearing responsibilities and stopped taking domestic work for granted or treating you like a servant?

Has he begun supporting your strengths rather than striving to undermine them?

Have you had any major disagreements with him in which he has shown a new willingness to conduct himself non-abusively?

Has he allowed you full access to: Family decision making? Household purchases? Where you take family vacations? Investments? Home computers? Private email addresses? Insurance policies? Retirement accounts? Wills? Deeds?

“No” answers to any of the above questions show that he is not willing to change his controlling behaviors.

Tags: Emotional